Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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