if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
