I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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