News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
