My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
