Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
