We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
They took my balls.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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