I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
