Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
