the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize