my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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