apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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