I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
