Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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