Yo dont text me then not text me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
