i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
