Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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