How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Shame is for Republicans.
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