your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
