Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
