Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
