I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
