I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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