I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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