Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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