i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
