By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
