20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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