I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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