I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
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White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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