When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
