Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
