For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
