our cab driver is having phone sex.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
