I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
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Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable