I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.