Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
