PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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