We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I could fuck to npr.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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