I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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