the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
