some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
