also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
