I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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