You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
