you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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