If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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