Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so explain again why im purple
no
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
