There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
