We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
