yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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