thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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