woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
false alarm, still single
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
