It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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