if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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