I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
