If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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