I'm going to jail i love you
Where is the hickey?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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