Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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