Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
