two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also, beer. Big fan.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
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Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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