you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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